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There was a time in my life that I was an optimist. At least I think I was, I remember it that way at least. Somewhere along the way I went from optimist to pessimist. Somewhere along the way I went from hopeful to apathetic. I don't update very often at all. I update when I need to vent, I need contact but there's no one there. And there's no one there because... I pushed everyone away. At least I pushed enough people away that now that the few that I didn't push away aren't around I can't even tell if its my fault or not.

I don't know how to make friends any more. More importantly I don't know how to keep a friend. Someone I trusted with everything betrayed me, cut me so deeply I don't know if I'll ever really recover. People that were mutual friends agreed that I was wronged but.... they still associated with her. I don't understand that and it hurts and I'm accused of 'drama' over it. And I know that this is silly, this is the Internet, these are not 'real' friends but they're the only ones I have. And this all happened over a year ago now. A year and its not over, not healed. Is it me? Is it because I can't let go? Probably.

Its been a year, why am I hashing this up again? Because other friends, True friends, have just disappeared on me. I don't know why, I'm afraid to know why, all I know is that they're gone. No emails in over a month. I don't know if I should feel abandoned or guilty or angry. All I know is I feel alone.

Current Mood: gloomy gloomy

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Through early morning fog I see

visions of the things to be

the pains that are withheld for me

I realize and I can see...


that suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make

all our little joys relate

without that ever-present hate

but now I know that it's too late, and...


The game of life is hard to play

I'm gonna lose it anyway

The losing card I'll someday lay

so this is all I have to say.


The only way to win is cheat

And lay it down before I'm beat

and to another give my seat

for that's the only painless feat.


The sword of time will pierce our skins

It doesn't hurt when it begins

But as it works its way on in

The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...


A brave man once requested me

to answer questions that are key

is it to be or not to be

and I replied 'oh why ask me?'


'Cause suicide is painless

it brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

...and you can do the same thing if you please.

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Its Saturday so I didn't get any sleep to speak of. Took the kid to his bowling; it was their Halloween party type thing so I made cookies last night for him (Pillsbury any idiot can do it cookies). Then he wanted some help with his costume, customizing it so we went shopping for supplies. I bought a silly pseudo-velvet top hat from WalMart. Came home, worked on his costume and then

~dramatic music~

We carved a pumpkin.
I have never carved a pumpkin. My mother always did it because when I was a kid she was of the mind that kids would screw it up, it wouldn't look nice, etc.... so she did it. This time she wasn't interested in doing it, the kid was, I didn't mind so..... I bought a pumpkin and he and I carved it.

OK, never let kid pick the pattern to carve. What did he pick for the two complete novices to carve? Out of choices rated 'Easy', 'Moderate', and 'Complex'..... right, he picked the hardest. But...... we did pretty good. The picture is a little blurry, he was sloppy with the camera but you get the idea.

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Current Mood: accomplished accomplished

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You Are Megara!
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Charming and witty. You are always the first person to come up with a wisecrack. Sure, you have an attitude, but that's why people love you. You keep them on their toes. Sometimes you can be misleading, but always end up doing the right thing for the people you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

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A faerie watches over you. You are charming and
cunning. You have a way with people that you
can lead them and they will follow. You're
active and ambitious. You're smart and
outgoing. You're faerie is always by your
side. Whether or not you may always see it,
your faerie is always there, keeping an eye on
you and protecting you. You're faerie is like
your conscious. It will always lead you down
the right path.

Who is your soul guardian?
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sailor mars
You are Sailor Mars. You're spunky and outgoing.
You may come from a superstitious family. Good
luck is on your side and bad luck is what you
dish out to your opponents. You work the luck
in the group.

Which Sailor Scout are you?
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You are a demon. You're not of Earth. You're very
powerful and strong. You create your own way
of life. You do as you please and you don't
let anyone get in your way. You like to be in
charge and tend to be bossy. Your element is

What mystical creature are you?
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Current Mood: amused amused

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You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 9/10 correct!
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So yeah.... its the day

10 years

It sort of snuck up on me. I don't even know what I feel. Its like I'm fine, or as fine as I usually get and then I'm all.... its been 10 years!.. but I don't know if I'm upset or sad or... what am I supposed to feel? Part of me keeps thinking I should be devastated and other parts think that I shouldn't feel too much of anything and I can't figure out if I'm feeling anything other than what I think I should be feeling. Stupid. Yeah.

I remember things about that night. About how it all went down and when I remember... it hurts. Its been 10 years and it hasn't stopped hurting. I can't think about it without it hurting, I have a hard time thinking about him at all because when I do I think about the last night and it starts hurting. All the good memories just lead to the one that tears me up inside. Icry and then I stop, moments of tears that I brush aside when I stop remembering.

I miss him. I felt him when he crossed, I felt the door close behind him. I know we've been together before and we'll be together again but those were other lives, they'll be other lives and I wanted more this life, this time around.

Current Mood: cold cold

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Witch: You'll not die, you'll not have to fight him.
Griswold dies as he drinks the toast.
Hawkins: What?

Witch: Listen. I have put a pellet of poison in one of the

Hawkins: Which one?

Witch: The one with the figure of a pestle.

Hawkins: The vessel with the pestle?

Witch: Yes. But you don't want the vessel with the pestle,
you want the chalice from the palace!

Hawkins: I-I don't want the vessel with the pestle, I want
the chalice from the what?

Jean: The chalice from the palace!

Hawkins: Hm?

Witch: It's a little crystal chalice with a figure of a

Hawkins: Th-the chalice from the palace have the pellet
with the poison?

Witch: No, the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with
the pestle.

Hawkins: Oh, oh, the pestle with the vessel.

Jean: The vessel with the pestle.

Hawkins: What about the palace from the chalice?

Witch: Not the palace from the chalice! The chalice from
the palace!

Hawkins: Where's the pellet with the poison?

Witch: In the vessel with the pestle!

Jean: Don't you see? The pellet with the poison's in the
vessel with the pestle.

Witch: The chalice from the palace has the brew that is

Jean: It's so easy, I can say it!

Hawkins: Well then you fight him!

Witch: Listen carefully. The pellet with the poison's in
the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is

Hawkins: Where the pellet with the poison's in the vessel
with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.

Jean: Good man!

Witch: Just remember that.

Random Guard: Sir Giacomo! Sir Giacomo, into your armor!
And you, to your place in the pavilion.

Hawkins: The pellet with the poison... the pellet with the
poison is in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the
true that is brew. Eh... brew that is tru- The pellet with the poison's in
the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the true that is
brew. Eh, eh, brew that is true. Eh. The chestle with the pal- eh, eh,
palace with the...

I love this movie... I love Danny Kaye. Yeah. I'm old.

Current Mood: tired tired

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~does the snoopy dance~
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I am falling into a bad habit. I am getting hardly any sleep Thursday and Friday nights then living on coffee on Saturday morning because I have to do the bowling thing with the little brother. Its doing bad things to me. On the upside though..... after the kid finished his league bowling he and I bowled and I bowled a 175. Yay me! Heh. I actually got to the fifth frame without an open.... which is bowler-speak for not making a strike or spare. I was very happy with that. Of course I followed it with a 126 but still, I was tired.... very tired.

Other good things that happened lately..... I am now a moderator for a community. quadratus_imago, talk about shocked. I threw my name in the hat when amanda decided to open up her community to others, not really expecting to be picked and I was. So..... I'm pushing the community. heh. There's great art there, so anyone that reads this can go and check it out.

Do it. NOW. Heh.

Other good things.... um..... I dunno, I'm not as down as I have been lately. Maybe I'm just in a manic phase? Could be, I'm hopped up on caffeine a lot lately, drinking a lot of soda. Depression is sort of lurking, I mean, I'm counting down the days to the 10 year anniversary of Troll's death. It hurts... a lot... but when I find myself thinking about it I try to push the hurt away.

Anyway, that's about it for the moment. Maybe I'll post more later, I dunno. I have so much art to do now.

Current Mood: tired tired

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